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| A man had a terrible passion for baked beans, but they always had a somewhat lively effect on him. After he met the woman of his dreams, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave them up; he couldn't imagine subjecting his new wife to his beastly emissions.
On his birthday, his car broke down, so he called his wife and told her he'd have to walk home. He walked past a cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he was still a couple of miles from home, he figured he could indulge, and then walk off any ill effects. So he had three extra-large helpings of beans, and he "put-putted" all the way home.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She blindfolded him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table, making him promise not to peek. At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang and she went to answer it.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He gasped and felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. This one sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. He tried flapping his arms, to clear the air. But another one snuck out, and the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.
When he heard his wife ending her conversation, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. He was the picture of innocence when she walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. He assured her he had not, so she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Suicide? Or Murder? Or Suicide?
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.
He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. |
| Speed Trap |
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.
The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."
"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.
The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.
"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119." |
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New Jokes!!
There were 2 blonde men and a woman hanging from a plane that
is going to crash. One of them has to let go to lighten the
plane so it wouldn't crash. The woman says: "I'm going to let
go because I want to be a good citizen." The men clap.
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class
section and sits down. The flight attendant watches
her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells
the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will
have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm
blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm
staying right here." The flight attendant goes into
the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that
there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that
belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for Economy she
will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde
replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to
Montreal and I'm staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest this
blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a
blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and
without question she gets up and moves back to her seat
in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot
are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move
without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security
for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls
Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,
she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to
accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at
the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the
Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
interest,which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled.
"While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are
a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to
borrow $5,000?"
The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park
my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there
when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke!
KNITTING:
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
down his window, turned on his bullhorn and
yelled, "PULLOVER! "NO," the blonde yelled back,"IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN:
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
said,"We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So
what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and
the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You
can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the
dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She
jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and
quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were
watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men
Another Blonde Joke..
A man stopped his car to ask for directions. "Excuse me, Sir.
What's the quickest way to town?"
"Are you walking or driving?" asked the local man.
"I'm driving."
"Well, that's the quickest way!"
(We ladies know this isn't true, a man would never ask for
directions!!!!!)
This blonde walks into a convinience store and the clerk asked
if her blinker was on, she looked back and said, "Yes, no, yes,
no, etc...."
Two blondes were waiting at the Pearly Gates and struck up a
conversation.
First blonde says "How did you die?"
Second says "I froze to death".
First blonde says "Must have been awful."
Second blonde says "How did you die?"
First blonde says "I had a heart attack, I knew my husband was
being unfaithful so I came home unexpectedly one day and rushed
to the bedroom and found my husband alone reading. I rushed to
the basement and nobody was hiding there, I rushed to the attic
and still no one, and after all that rushing around I had a
heart attack and died."
Second blonde says, "If only you'd looked in the freezer we'd
both still be alive."
One day, a blonde walked into a bar. The bartender asked her
what her drink would be and she told him. She then asked him to
turn the 6 a'clock news on. Doing so, the news showed a man on
the golden gate bridge threatening to put an end to his life.
The redhead next to her also watching, offered a bet to the
blonde that the man would eventually jump. The blonde jumped at
the opportunity and said a definite yes. About 7 minutes later
the man plunged to his death. The redhead was claiming her 50$
dollar prize when she confessed "I can't accept this, I saw
this story at 12 o'clock. I knew what would happen". The blonde
replied "Yes you can, I saw the same story at 12, but I thought
he had learned his lesson this time!"
There were 2 blonde men and a woman hanging from a plane that
is going to crash. One of them has to let go to lighten the
plane so it wouldn't crash. The woman says: "I'm going to let
go because I want to be a good citizen." The men clap.
A group of blondes were willing to prove that not all blondes
were dumb. They established a judges panel of people to ask the
questions. On the day of the judging the people started off by
asking, "What is 59+2?"
The first blonde contestant responded by saying, "57?"
The rest of the blondes said, "Give her another chance, give
her another chance!"
Then they asked, "What is 15-5?"
The blonde responded, "20 right?"
Once again the rest of the contestants screamed, "Give her
another chance, give her another chance!"
The judges decided to go easier on her and asked, "What is 1+2?"
"3?" said the blonde.
The rest of the blondes say, "Give her another chance, give her
another chance!"
There is a brunette and 11 blondes hanging over the edge of a
cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope would
break if one of them didn't let go and they would all fall to
their deaths. The Brunette starts this big heartwarming speech
about how she is going to sacrifice herself for the others. At
the end of the speech the blondes all clap.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunon to find a date!
Yo mamma so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out her basement window
Yo mamma so fat, every time she turns around its her b-day
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework
What is green and smells?
Hulk's fart.
Why did the elephant bring toilet paper to a party?
Becase he was a party pooper
You so short you have to look up to look down
Yo mamma is so fat:
She eats Wheat Thicks.
We're in her right now.
She was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for a new world.
She lay on the beach and people ran around saying, "FREE WILLY
Yo mamma so ugly when she was born, your mother said, "What a treasure!" and your father said, "Yea lets go bury it".
Yo mamma so ugly, she got arrested for mooning when she looked out a window.
How do you make a blonde's eyes sparkle?
Shine a torch into her ear...
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
The bucket.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night
Yo mama's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo mama's so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
Yo mama's so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.
Have you ever noticed... anybody going slower than you is an idiot. And anyone going faster is a maniac
Why did the jazz musician like the wooden board?
Because it had a nice groove in it!
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
What do you call a guy at your front door with no legs or arms?
Matt!
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again
Men are like coolers: Load them with beer, and you can take them anywhere
Men are like computers: Hard to figure out and never have enough memory
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the stove.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
Yo mama so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama's so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mama's so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so old she has Jesus' beeper number!
Yo mama so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime
Why are blondes only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
You can park in the handicapped spots.
What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent blonde?
There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......
~ she called me to get my phone number.
~she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
"concentrate."
~ she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
~she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
~she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
~ she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
~ she sat on the TV and watched the couch.
~ she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
~ she tried to drown a fish.
~ she thought a quarterback was a refund.
~ she got locked in a grocery store and starved to
death.
~ if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get
change back.
~ they had to burn the school down to get her out of
third grade.
~ under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
~ she tripped over a cordless phone.<<< DON'T LAUGH IT'S HAPPENED!!! :)~>>>
~she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ~ at the bottom
of
the application where it says "sign here"...she put 'Sagittarius.'
~she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
~ it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
~if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be
speachless.
~she studied for a blood test.
~she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
~she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
~she thought she needed a token to get on Soul
train.
~she sold the car for gas money.
~when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got
16
friends.
~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
~she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
~when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left"
she
turned around and went home.
Male Anatomy
One day, the teacher was teaching a health class on sex education. He pulled down a chart of the male anatomy and asked
if anyone knows what this is?
Little Johnny raised his hand excitedly and blurted proudly, "I don't know its name but my dad has two of them." The professor said "Johnny, you must be mistaken, your daddy
doesn't have two." Johnny insisted "Yes he does. He has a little one he uses to pee
with and a big one that mom uses to brush her teeth!"
Biggest, Hairiest Thing
A little boy and his dad are out walking one day when the little boy asks, "Dad, can I get a girlfriend?" The dad says, "When your older."
5 years pass and the boy is 8 years old and he asks his dad, "Dad can I get a girlfriend now?" The dad replies, "When you're older."
5 more years pass and the boy is 13. He asks his dad, "Dad, can I get a girl friend NOW?" The dad finally says, "When you're 18."
When the boy reaches 18 he goes out and gets the fittest blonde haired bird there is and brings her home. She takes him to his
bedroom and starts taking her clothes off! In a panic, the boy rushes downstairs and says, "Dad, the girl is taking her clothes
off and getting into my bed!" The father, exited, tells him, "Stick you biggest, hariest thing in her pussy!" The boy rushes up stairs and a few minutes later the father hears his son shout, "Dad, my head is stuck!!!"
Glucose in Semen
This actually happened at Harvard University in October of this year. In a
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found
in semen. A young female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand,
you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen?" "That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"
After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, or rather implied, she picked up her books without a
word and walked out of class...and never returned. However, as she was
going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.... Totally straight-faced he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because
the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."
The Accident
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an
hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is
thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car.
"Go get help." he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your
snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she
arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a
new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very
much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10%
for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain
than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the
mailman was dead on their porch.
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing
with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the
train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want
off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all
of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the
train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house!! Now I want you to go to your
room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice
language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to
take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding
with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you
will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just
boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your
seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you
will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you
who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch
in the kitchen."
A small boy was standing near an escalator in a department store
watching the moving handrail.
"Is there anything wrong?" asked a saleslady.
"Nope," he said, "I'm just waiting for my gum to come around
again."
For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Poor
woman.
Things I've learned from my children (Honest and No Kidding):
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq.
foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear
and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball
up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a
baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's
already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though
a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A
magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.
11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same
sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you
still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials
show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys
do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth
worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy and cats throw up
twice their body weight when dizzy.
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex
products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that
manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud
"hiss-pop" noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains
the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the
end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop"
noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what
the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,"
says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the
way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.
He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words
"Queen Size".
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Grandma,
you wear the same size as our bed!"
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his
mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie
was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John
and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between John and the
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John
volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you,
Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy
ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well,
I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did'
take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did
not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been
missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which
read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie,
and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the
fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would
have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
A 7 year-old and his 4 year-old brother are upstairs in their
bedroom. The 7 year-old is explaining that it is about time that
the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responds
enthusiastically, the 7 year old says, "When we go downstairs for
breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'." The 4
year-old happily agrees.
As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table,
their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like
to eat for breakfast. The 7 year-old replies, "Aw hell, Mom, I'll
just have some Cheerios."
The surprised mother reacts quickly and smacks his rear. WHACK!
The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.
With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the
younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"
"I don't know," the 4 year-old blubbers, "but you can bet your
ASS it's not gonna be Cheerios!"
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend, he comments, "You look terrible. What's
the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Man, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "my father died, leaving me
$50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're
depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? That's
horrible!"
"Then this month..." continued the friend, "Nothing. Not a
single dime!"
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort thanks to her
nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!". The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!" Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
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